Femme Flavor

Rescue Rangers

Kirsten — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 03:03:17 +0000

Don’t lie, this was the first thing that came to mind, right?

And then this, right?

…Okay, maybe that one is a couple stops down the line for most of you. It’s cool, I still love you.

Unedited rambly shit below, PS. And I’m not gonna apologize, or edit. …well, maybe edit, but not tonight.

For real though, a friend posted a facebook update the other day about being a “rescue ranger on the reform,” with regard to unlearning codependent behaviors, and it resonated with me. The word “rescue” has come up a couple of times in my personal life in recent weeks, and I wanted to think about that a bit before seeing Richard (FINALLY!!!) this Thursday.

I have been on both ends of the rescue rope, several times. And the fact that no one in my life, myself included, has the means to rescue everyone every time all the time, makes it mean that much more when the intent is pure and the “motive” nonexistent. I have been so very fortunate to have people come through for me right when circumstances feel bleak and unconquerable. Similarly, I have been able, though not as frequently as I would like, to lend a hand to my loved ones when they have found themselves in similar situations. Much like emotional support, which has been all I’ve had to offer for some time, material support is something I am starting from scratch with learning what’s healthy to give people I love and what’s enabling. It’s hard work, figuring out the difference, but something I’ve decided, and I think even Rich will not fight me on this – sometimes it doesn’t matter. Sometimes we do stupid shit for the people we love and suffer the consequences and are really okay with it. There was a time when I loaned a friend money for a bill payment that would have caused a lot of strife for her and her family had it gone delinquent. Some wires got crossed and funds weren’t where they needed to be when they needed to be and I ended up getting hit with a couple of overdraft fees before I even knew what had happened. I didn’t resent anyone (except the bank, cuz banks all suck) – shit happened, and my one-time $70 hit was nothing to what the longstanding consequences would have been for my friend’s lapsed car insurance. Did I know it was possible? Of course. Did I do it anyway? Hell yes. That, to me, was a healthy – or at least not unhealthy – decision, to do what I could for someone I love. And even today, when I’m playing catch-up and shuffling a few dollars from one place to another to creatively access as much of my money as I can before payday so I have gas in the car to get to the job that is helping me dig out of this hole, I will give what I can to someone I love – but these days, I did it only because I do not feel like it is expected of me, or like my gesture or I will be taken for granted. And in return, less than 24 hours later – without expectation, and with great gratitude, someone who loves me as family gives what she can to make my kid’s holiday a little brighter than I can provide on my own. This is Karma in action, folks.

In the past, I have given far more than I was able, fiscally and emotionally, to people I knew would take advantage and take for granted. I was a martyr, waiting for the payoff. Guess what? It never came. People who will take and take and take don’t have a payoff to give – they only create an illusion of one, create a belief in us that, if we aren’t getting what we think we should in return for what we’re giving, we must not be giving enough.

Gross, right?

I’m slowly learning the middle ground here. The place between giving everything and taking everything, the place between being a martyr and being a scrooge. The codependent lifestyle is made up of extremes, and so it makes sense that we swing like a pendulum to the opposite side when we begin to see the ways we have undone ourselves. And yet, occasionally, there’s a jerk on the chain – something, or someone, who says, “It’s okay this time. You can give. It won’t hurt you.” And sometimes you have to just roll the dice. I’m feeling pretty good about the chances I’m taking, and even better about my awareness around it all.

Thankful.

Kirsten — Sun, 25 Nov 2012 04:29:09 +0000

“If you’re reading this then, you’ve made it through Thanksgiving just fine.” This email from Richard made me laugh and laugh. I did indeed make it through Thanksgiving just fine, as I hope you all did, as well. Holidays, for me, have not always been the joyful events they’re intended to be, and honestly, I think many of us find ourselves stressed out during large family gatherings. Some of mine have been more difficult than others, last Christmas being one of them. That was when I decided I’d rather spend time with my loved ones when there isn’t the onus of a big to-do, and enjoy their company without feeling strained, on alert, resentful, or just plain crazy. When my grandmother, whom I love very dearly, asked me over Labor Day weekend if I was coming for Thanksgiving, I was caught off-guard; I hadn’t expected to have to address it so early. But, rather than be noncommittal or evasive, I told her very plainly and apologetically that I would not, but that I hoped to visit her and Kayla sometime during the holiday season so we could have a nice dinner and spend some time together. She was disappointed, but understood perfectly, and from the sounds of it, everyone had a really lovely holiday.

As with other times in my recent life when I have made choices not based on my fears of what others would think, say, or do, but based on my own needs, I was pleasantly surprised by how easy the whole thing was. When I stick to stating my Truth simply and plainly, with no attempts to placate, no self-flagellation, and it is received with understanding and acceptance, I feel stronger in my conviction that direct, clear, loving communication leads to healthier relationships – and that I am capable of engaging in that kind of communication with every person in my life without losing anything worth having. Every time I am afraid of what I will lose if I state my Truth, and so keep silent, I am cheating myself of the best relationships I can have. Remembering this doesn’t mean I always push past this fear, but I find myself doing it more often as time proves it to be a tool for happiness.

That being said, my Thanksgiving was truly wonderful, from start to finish. Erika got a turkey from work as a holiday perk (the 16.5lb beast is nearly gone after 24 hours in the house with Joshua, while I thought I’d have to make turkey everything for a week. Silly me), and invited me to cook a traditional dinner at her place. I gave Joshua the option to come with me or to visit with mom, her boyfriend, and his son Alex, who is just Joshua’s age; he went with them to Doug’s sister’s and had a great time, as well. Erika and I invited a couple of people to join us for the meal or after eating with their families; three of us enjoyed a simple but ginormous (and delicious, if I may say so) dinner, then were joined by a fourth and shook off our sleepies by karaoke-ing along with J-Lo radio on Pandora and playing a few rousing games of Scattergories. Despite having been up since 8:30am to get the turkey going and cooking for the better part of 6 hours, I got my second and third and fourth winds as our celebration continued into the wee hours, with a combination of silliness and quiet appreciation for the love we’d surrounded ourselves with this Thanksgiving.

I’ll leave you with a few highlights of the day for your visual enjoyment. Be well!

New Kid.

Kirsten — Thu, 15 Nov 2012 05:03:32 +0000

I’m going to take a moment to pat myself on the back and not care too much if anyone thinks I’m an arrogant prick.

I am a smart kid. I catch on quickly, I multitask like nobody’s business, and people like me. Genuinely like me.

These are, apparently, super helpful things when one is starting a gig as a patient services representative in a busy medical specialty office.

Today was my first full day on the job. I spent a few hours with my colleague yesterday before computer training, learning a bit about the chart prep process we’ll perform each morning (well, hopefully completed in the morning). I had to scoot out before ever actually touching a computer or filing a piece of paper or placing a chart in the appropriate spot, but I arrived ready to jump in this morning. And, from the sound of it, I did okay. Better than okay. My coworker and my manager were both effusive with praise about how quickly I settled into the tasks I was learning, while also greeting and processing patients at the reception desk.

It felt really good. REALLY GOOD. To be reminded that I am not solely a drone who is great at performing those job functions that pretty much any literate person with a working knowledge of computer peripherals can master. I have skills – both learned and innate – that make me ideal for a position like this. We’re responsible for attending to lots of tiny details that would take most new hires time we don’t have, which need to be addressed with each patient at check-in and check-out; being attentive and kind and helpful while simultaneously doing data entry and collecting paperwork and keeping in mind that Dr So-and-So needs to know when Patient LadyFace pops in for a specimen; remembering that this insurance is quirky and that this hospital doesn’t use contrast dye so I have to give it to the patient when she leaves; and this doc hand-writes his follow-up requirements while this one enters hers in the computer database, so I have to check each accordingly.

These things stick in my brain like it’s my job. And guess what? It is. And I’m gonna be damned good at it.

I hate a learning curve. I want to be good at what I do from the very minute it’s on my plate. But when I really stop to think about it, my favorite thing is this training period – a time that, for me, is shorter than for most, because I have been gifted with a quick mind and a willing spirit. I enjoy those offhand comments about how it seems like I’ve been working in this office forever, or how I’ve caught on more quickly than anyone they’ve had in years, or from that one wonderfully fun patient who said I remind her of her cousin’s daughter, and that makes me special.

Sometimes I don’t remember that I’m special. But you know what? I am. And it’s okay for me to accept that from virtual strangers who come to me when they’re at their most vulnerable, checking in at the Oncology office. Know what else? It’s okay for me to accept it from people who have known me for months or years or decades, too. They aren’t biased – they know me. There’s a difference. And when I tell someone, “When you discard my compliments, it tells me that you don’t trust my judgment. You trust it about other things; why not about you?” Well… That goes both ways. And what a slap in the face for me to preen under the praise of someone like a coworker who has known me for eight hours, but to shrug off the kindness offered by someone who has spent hours and days and weeks in my company.

Just a lil food for thought.

Tune Time.

Kirsten — Fri, 26 Oct 2012 16:56:01 +0000

It’s been a while since I inundated you with my latest musical finds; there have been several of note, though the genres aren’t nearly as varied as usual. This is thanks to Spotify radio – unlike Pandora, where you can do a “QuickMix” that pulls from all your playlists, Spotify doesn’t have an option like that. What it does have that Pandora does not, however, is the option to save songs to a playlist and revisit them at will. So, there ya have it. And here we have a bunch of boys singing folks songs.

So often when I’ve looked at my phone to “thumbs up” a song, I’ve found it to be this guy. He has a really great variety of sounds, and his voice is pretty easily identifiable. Here’s a fun, upbeat one, followed by a slower, happysad one.

A band I can’t get enough of lately – this is probably my favorite song so far, but it seems like each new one I hear takes that spot from the last. Aaaaand, in the course of researching them while collecting videos to share here, I learned that they’re on a farewell tour right now, which ends on November 11 in Boston. NOT FAIR.

I heard this one for the first time yesterday, and I don’t know if he’s a spotlight artist or what, but every few songs was one of his. Love.

And finally, the man responsible for my discovery of all of the above – most, if not all, of these have played on my “Ryan Montbleau, 75 and Sunny” station. He has so many fantastic songs; here’s one of my favorites, perfect to send us into the weekend. Hope yours is lovely!

New Beginnings.

Kirsten — Tue, 23 Oct 2012 18:59:10 +0000

It’s official, or at least will be once I’ve passed the drug and background screens: I am soon to be employed by Maine Medical Partners, Women’s Health, in the gynecologic oncology department. It’s a kind of position I’ve never held before, and I think it will be challenging and varied enough to keep me engaged for some time. It’s a small practice, but a busy one, as it houses the only specialists in this field in all of Maine and New Hampshire. I’m anxious to get started, but have to wait for the next open orientation, which isn’t for nearly three weeks. One of the most exciting things about this is that I’ll have “real” health insurance again, and can afford to see Richard. I don’t know that I’ll go weekly to start, though I will once I’ve gotten into the swing of things with work and Joshua’s back on track and I’m ready to start EMDR in earnest.

Speaking of Joshua, he and I have had more struggles these first couple of months of high school than ever. The new school year for him means a much more demanding schedule and heavier workload, plus he’s without a BHP right now, so his afternoons are spent in the community doing his own thing; getting him down to business when I get home is a challenge. We’re also running into a lot of “typical teen boy” stuff that I’d not had to worry about with him before the high school bug bit. I was journaling the other night and reminded myself that part of my goal for him was for him to have a chance at being a normal kid, acting appropriately for his age, socializing with his peers, and living as stigma-free a life as is possible, given his challenges and our unique situation. Well, I got what I wanted, and now I get to raise a typical teenage boy. I wouldn’t trade him for the monosyllabic loner XBox addict he was a year and a half ago, though, so it’s just time to bust out the disciplinarian side I’m sure I’ve got kicking around in here somewhere.

Life in general is just cruising right along; those have been the only big changes for us since summer, really. The weather has been blessedly mild, and I’ve gone on adventures and spent time in great company and done a ton of cooking and baking, all of which has made for a very pleasant Fall thus far. I’m looking forward to more of all of the above, and am excited to see what this new journey offers besides a better paycheck than I’ve seen in over two years and great employee benefits. But even if that’s all it is to start, I’ll take it.

Security.

Kirsten — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 15:20:36 +0000

It’s a funny thing, that sense of security. Sometimes I crave it, other times it feels suffocating. And it always seems that what I want is the opposite of what I have. Right now, so much in my life feels — not volatile, or precarious, or any negative thing, necessarily, but… not anchored. Not certain. Not whatever-positive-thing I feel like I’m missing. But as I was also reminded last night, “security” in most situations is false. Careers are cut short with no notice, relationships fall apart after months or years or decades, people and places are destroyed in freak accidents and natural disasters. So is it really that important for me to have a permanent job, or to be in a committed relationship, or to own property?

It’s no coincidence that the antonym of “secure” is “insecure.” My insecurities are what drive this desire for external reassurance. My tendency to search out and focus on what I see as my shortcomings and flaws, rather than recognizing all of the things I love about the person I am and am becoming. The irony is that, in those moments when I feel like I need my sense of security to come from outside, I’m presenting a bundle of worry and fear, not my best self who knows she’s pretty awesome and appreciates, but doesn’t need, reassurance from others. My best self who knows, for example, that if I’m not offered a job, it’s not because I wasn’t good enough, but that someone else was better suited in some way. And that doesn’t take anything away from me and the things I am and have and can do, so why should it feel like I’m somehow less than I was before?

So, it’s time to refocus on mindfulness and presence in the moment, to express gratitude for my abilities and my capacity for growth, and to remember that my thoughts shape my actions and I want both to be full of love, hope, and faith in myself and others. The beautiful thing about steering myself back onto this path is that it’s becoming more familiar each time I realize I’ve started to stray – it takes less time, less effort, to find my way when I’m not dragging myself out of the deep bracken of perceived failure. Hey, look at that – I’ve already started. :)

Say cheese!

Kirsten — Sat, 29 Sep 2012 04:32:03 +0000

I hate having my picture taken. I loathe it. I despise nearly every photo of me (except for some reason, I almost always take a decent picture with my butch big brother, Roy; it’s like magic). So the photo shoot this past weekend was a little nerve-wracking in addition to being lots of good things. Mostly, though, the good things won out, and I found beauty in Erin’s photography, and maybe even a little in the subject. That’s kind of a big deal. It was also interesting watching Erika look through the photos; as I told her, the fact that she’s a photographer, and is not me, makes her perspective quite different. There are marked differences between this Erin’s photos and Erin O’Neill’s (she photographed me for her Proper Sorrows series just days before I moved home from San Francisco), and I’m curious to see how Erika’s compare. She’s asked to photograph me for her gender project, and, after not a small amount of evasiveness and noncommittal mumbling, I’ve agreed. I figure I can either relent and at least be certain I’m mentally prepared (aka, full makeup and appropriate wardrobe), or she’ll be sneaky about it and I’ll have no say whatsoever. I choose a modicum of control :)

So, here is a selection of pictures from last weekend; I did enjoy the time with Erin immensely, and it’s always fun to have a reason to get all dolled up. Have a lovely weekend, all!

Photo shoot with Erin Clark, Sept 2012

Therapy Thursday

Kirsten — Fri, 21 Sep 2012 01:34:59 +0000

It has been way too long since I’ve been able to type that subject line! I know it probably starts to sound like bragging after a while, but I am in awe of the fact that I have made significant enough changes that not seeing Richard for a month or more doesn’t leave me halfway through updating him on the chaos of my life when my time is up. Hell, earlier this year, I had that problem during weekly sessions! It mostly comes down to what we agreed are the healthy relationships I’ve chosen to engage in and give my energy to, and the boundaries I’m learning to set in those places where anxiety lurks and The Crazy is prepared to strike at any moment. It doesn’t hurt that it’s been my favorite season and I’ve spent a lot of time camping, on the beach, reading, and in general enjoying the things that make me happiest.

I was also able to report on the busy bee day I had, investigating and applying for various programs that will help with the tough financial situation while I’m transitioning between jobs and also perhaps make it possible for me to go back to school. One of the jobs I’ve applied to is at SMCC, and one of the benefits is free tuition in the Maine Community College System for me and my immediate family. This would be WHOA HUGELY AWESOME, not to mention that I really think I would love working in that setting. Wish me luck!

Though fall is a season I typically resent primarily for its task of ushering in winter, I’m excited for some fun things coming up – for her birthday, I’m taking Erika to see Cirque du Soleil’s “Saltimbanco,” one of the longest-running touring shows, in Cirque’s first ever Maine appearance. Richard asked if I’d ever been, which I’ve not, and he assured me I will be blown away and greatly appreciate the artistry as well as the acrobatics. I am super looking forward to it, and only wish I could afford to go to more than one show! I’m also hoping to go apple-picking with The Guardian Angel of Femmes™ sometime soon, as I’ve never been and apparently that is some sort of Maine resident faux pas. I don’t personally like apples much, but Joshua does, and I love baking pretty much anything, which will put many apples to good use. I’ve also finally scheduled a long-overdue photo shoot with a darling femme with a stellar eye for portraiture, which will happen this coming Sunday. I’m nervous about it, as I’m really not thrilled with having my photo taken in general, but I’ve seen her work and have every confidence that she will do a fantastic job with what she has to work with. Saturday will be devoted to collecting clothing, makeup, and props – fun!

I think that’s about all the news that’s fit to print – I’m off to enjoy my last few days off freedom before beginning a new temp assignment on Monday. I hope you all have delightful weekends!

Music time!

Kirsten — Sun, 16 Sep 2012 21:02:15 +0000

I’ve been adding music to my Spotify library like crazy all summer; it feels so good to really get into music again, especially new genres and old favorites.

I’d never seen Moulin Rouge, for which I have been properly chastised, and it has been remedied. I wish I’d seen it on the big screen, but it was so, so much fun even on my tiny bedroom TV. I’ve also decided that I want to be a can-can dancer for Halloween, so someone needs to have a party. That is all.

I’ve also been reintroduced to the magic that is Rusted Root. I really enjoy some of their more ballad-y songs, but there are only a few videos on their “official” YouTube channel, and this is a fantastic song.

I hadn’t listened to Iron & Wine for a while; they came up on the Spotify Folk radio station and I was very happy to hear them again.

Joshua is a tough customer when we’re in the car when it comes to music, but he, Erika, and I were all quite content to enjoy the new Train album – this is one of my favorite songs from California 37. It’s pretty clear that the poor girl is frightened to death to be singing live on Letterman, and who can blame her; her voice is really strong and sweet on the album recording, though.

This was a top 5 song on CYY for a while; I know plenty of people say dubstep is crap, but there’s something super sexy about this sound, and his voice gives me chills.

And finally, a bittersweet discovery because it came after the artist’s passing – this will be a burlesque song if I ever get up the courage to take to the stage.

In other news, the job search is on in earnest; there are a couple of potentially amazing opportunities out there, and I’m just hopeful that things fall into place sooner rather than later. Fall is creeping into the air, particularly at night, and while I know we’re probably not going to have as mild a winter as we did last year, I’m determined to find ways to enjoy it despite my loathing of the cold and wet and mess. In the meantime, I’m enjoying the sunny days and the cool evenings, the shift to down comforters and soft jersey knit sheets, and the fun wardrobe items that are slowly making their way back into rotation. I hope you are all enjoying life in your corners of the world!

Family.

Kirsten — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 00:42:06 +0000

Family is such a loaded word, a loaded concept. It can make us feel warm and safe, or anxious and alert – usually each by turns. I’ve had a lot of reasons to think about family and what it means to me, what I expect from family and what I want to give to mine. I think I’m coming to a better place around it altogether, but there are still things that cause a twinge or a cringe or a total loss of center. I’m trying to take my power back from “family” – not the people, but the institution. In the last few days, I’ve taken a couple of big steps toward that, and you know what? The world did not end. I know I’ve said that here a couple of times before, but it’s worth noting that all of the shit I fear is far less likely to cause me harm in some way than I anticipate. Anyway, that’s my random thought for the evening, because I feel like I owe y’all something since I’ve been a super slacker while I’ve been soaking up these last few weeks of summer. Here are a few photos from the epic camping trips I’ve gone on the last couple of weekends, and you can look forward to another music post in the near future.

And here’s a play-by-play-ish series, though I have to say, I’ve not tried sharing facebook photos here and don’e know if it’ll even work because of my privacy settings. If it does, yay for you, if not, and if you REALLY wanna see ‘em, shoot me an email :)

Salisbury, 2012