…that’s what social media allows – even prompts – us to portray. Be it “my life is so good; envy me,” or “my life is such shit, pity me,” or, “My life is so full I can’t even be bothered to care what you think.” I’ve had fleeting moments of that last, and it’s been a damned good feeling. Not because my full life is in any way superior; just that it is wonderful in and of itself.
I’m willing to state here that, even while my life is coming together in ways I despaired I’d never see, I am frequently painfully aware of the things and people and feelings I miss. The losses I’ve suffered – many by choice – in order to gain a kind of freedom I’ve been told will benefit me in the long run. And sometimes I can see, intellectually, that gain. But often, it is buried deep by the feeling of loss, on an emotional level.
i share my high points via social media. I don’t wanna be one of those people who posts passive-aggressive fb updates or cryptic song lyrics or whatever the hell else I could do that would be indirect communication with the people whose presence I miss in my life. I’ve done that – it doesn’t do anyone any good. And I still do it when my judgment is impaired by one or more of a large number of factors ranging from hormonal to chemical to astrological. It is what it is.
So I guess this is me saying, yeah, sometimes things suck hard. And I don’t share that with the world. But I do share it with a couple of people who love me and totally get what I need and who will support my decisions and understand why I question them and reassure me that even though it hurts and doesn’t make sense and I want to do anything but what I’m doing, I’m doing just right.
But right now, and often, I wanna do what I know is “wrong.” And it takes more effort than I can describe to stop myself from sending a text or making a call or clicking a social media “like” button that would give me away.
i am imperfect in so, so many ways. And while Facebook may not tell you that, I will. I want to. Because it’s important to me to be authentic and genuine and true with you, and with me.
So, yeah. There ya have it. I’m gonna go to bed now, and hope I’ve done the right thing. Because honestly, I never know. I’m always guessing. And my guesses get better with time and experience and self-reflection and hard emotional work – but I will never know if they’re dead on. This is life, this is relation, this is people connecting with other people and each connection has its own trajectory. It’s kind of awesome, if you can ditch the whole “What will people/person/you think if I say/do this thing?” I haven’t forgotten it, but I’m trying really hard to ignore it. Let’s see how that works out.