Fear, redux.

I’ve written so often about fear as the great controller, the strongest motivator, that reading The Four Agreements’s explanation of how we are conditioned by it from infancy makes me feel awash with gratitude for someone else’s words expressing this as a known fact, handed down through thousands of years of Toltec wisdom. Can these 130 pages also contain the tools for freedom from this universal plague of fear? While I am learning and growing and making different choices in many situations, fear still resides in every aspect of my life, and even when I either ignore it or best it with emotional logic or undeniable truth, it taunts and pokes and slyly discovers chinks in my armor through which doubt can be slipped almost unobserved.

I haven’t been doing such a great job with my gratitude jar this month. There have been so many challenges that overshadowed my ability to see the joys in my life every day. I can’t allow that. Appreciation for the beauty and love and abundance in life is one of the greatest obstacles of Fear, and only by shining that light deliberately and regularly can the darkness fear attempts to shroud me in be extinguished, or at least diminished.

Today I’m grateful for my brother and all the ways I see how he has grown in the last two years. I am grateful for my therapist, without whom this book might have stayed on my “to be read” list for who knows how long. I am grateful for the ways my efforts have enabled me to live without too much volatility even though I can’t currently afford the medication and supplements that have helped me with emotional balance. And I am grateful for love, because it is the teacher of all things. Through love, I have grown and changed and become and felt fulfilled.

What are you grateful for today?

Back in the game. Ish.

Back in the game. Ish.

I want to take a moment to thank each of several friends who have lovingly acknowledged that I have been silent here for a while. I’ve felt guilty about it at times, but have also had several reasons for not writing that I felt were justified, and I know I don’t need to explain them for you all to trust me on that.
I’ve been writing privately, keeping busy, and making headway in a few really important areas of my life. So, to get me going again, here’s a bullet list of topics I’ll hopefully have reason and motivation to expand on in upcoming posts.

  • College. I used part of my tax refund to clear my hold on my transcript from CCSF, and received a copy in the mail last week. There are still a few hurdles to jump, but I want this. I’m gonna make it happen.
  • Theater. I went to a local production of Arsenic and Old Lace, and my love of the stage has been renewed in a big way. I’m going to see my cousin Justin perform his dream role of Princeton in Avenue Q next weekend, have Noises Off! to look forward to in March, and am… *gulp* going out for Grease at Portland Players in the fall. It’s been 15 years since I performed on any but a karaoke stage – it’s time.
  • Home. I’d been in a funk about the state of my home – physical, mostly, but also my body, mind, and heart. I’ve splurged on a few small Femme-etries to get me feeling more like the “me” I want to be. I’m going back to my daily Al-Anon readings, and will make myself get back to meetings soon. I am also making an Ikea run to get my space to a happy place. Spring cleaning of all kinds.
  • Work. I’m still happy with my job, and have joined a book club (surprised faces, everyone) with a number of providers and other healthcare peeps reading short stories, articles, and novels in a number of categories ranging from technology in healthcare to domestic abuse to epidemics to mental health. The first meeting was really interesting, and I’m looking forward to the next.

So, there’s a lil bit of what’s going on in my world. Again, thank you to those people who notice the absence of my writing as much as its presence. I needed that, and you.