Tune Time.

It’s been a while since I inundated you with my latest musical finds; there have been several of note, though the genres aren’t nearly as varied as usual. This is thanks to Spotify radio – unlike Pandora, where you can do a “QuickMix” that pulls from all your playlists, Spotify doesn’t have an option like that. What it does have that Pandora does not, however, is the option to save songs to a playlist and revisit them at will. So, there ya have it. And here we have a bunch of boys singing folks songs.

So often when I’ve looked at my phone to “thumbs up” a song, I’ve found it to be this guy. He has a really great variety of sounds, and his voice is pretty easily identifiable. Here’s a fun, upbeat one, followed by a slower, happysad one.

 

 

A band I can’t get enough of lately – this is probably my favorite song so far, but it seems like each new one I hear takes that spot from the last. Aaaaand, in the course of researching them while collecting videos to share here, I learned that they’re on a farewell tour right now, which ends on November 11 in Boston. NOT FAIR.

 

I heard this one for the first time yesterday, and I don’t know if he’s a spotlight artist or what, but every few songs was one of his. Love.

 

And finally, the man responsible for my discovery of all of the above – most, if not all, of these have played on my “Ryan Montbleau, 75 and Sunny” station. He has so many fantastic songs; here’s one of my favorites, perfect to send us into the weekend. Hope yours is lovely!

 

New Beginnings.

 It’s official, or at least will be once I’ve passed the drug and background screens: I am soon to be employed by Maine Medical Partners, Women’s Health, in the gynecologic oncology department. It’s a kind of position I’ve never held before, and I think it will be challenging and varied enough to keep me engaged for some time. It’s a small practice, but a busy one, as it houses the only specialists in this field in all of Maine and New Hampshire. I’m anxious to get started, but have to wait for the next open orientation, which isn’t for nearly three weeks. One of the most exciting things about this is that I’ll have “real” health insurance again, and can afford to see Richard. I don’t know that I’ll go weekly to start, though I will once I’ve gotten into the swing of things with work and Joshua’s back on track and I’m ready to start EMDR in earnest.

Speaking of Joshua, he and I have had more struggles these first couple of months of high school than ever. The new school year for him means a much more demanding schedule and heavier workload, plus he’s without a BHP right now, so his afternoons are spent in the community doing his own thing; getting him down to business when I get home is a challenge. We’re also running into a lot of “typical teen boy” stuff that I’d not had to worry about with him before the high school bug bit. I was journaling the other night and reminded myself that part of my goal for him was for him to have a chance at being a normal kid, acting appropriately for his age, socializing with his peers, and living as stigma-free a life as is possible, given his challenges and our unique situation. Well, I got what I wanted, and now I get to raise a typical teenage boy. I wouldn’t trade him for the monosyllabic loner XBox addict he was a year and a half ago, though, so it’s just time to bust out the disciplinarian side I’m sure I’ve got kicking around in here somewhere.

Life in general is just cruising right along; those have been the only big changes for us since summer, really. The weather has been blessedly mild, and I’ve gone on adventures and spent time in great company and done a ton of cooking and baking, all of which has made for a very pleasant Fall thus far. I’m looking forward to more of all of the above, and am excited to see what this new journey offers besides a better paycheck than I’ve seen in over two years and great employee benefits. But even if that’s all it is to start, I’ll take it.

Security.

It’s a funny thing, that sense of security. Sometimes I crave it, other times it feels suffocating. And it always seems that what I want is the opposite of what I have. Right now, so much in my life feels — not volatile, or precarious, or any negative thing, necessarily, but… not anchored. Not certain. Not whatever-positive-thing I feel like I’m missing. But as I was also reminded last night, “security” in most situations is false. Careers are cut short with no notice, relationships fall apart after months or years or decades, people and places are destroyed in freak accidents and natural disasters. So is it really that important for me to have a permanent job, or to be in a committed relationship, or to own property?

It’s no coincidence that the antonym of “secure” is “insecure.” My insecurities are what drive this desire for external reassurance. My tendency to search out and focus on what I see as my shortcomings and flaws, rather than recognizing all of the things I love about the person I am and am becoming. The irony is that, in those moments when I feel like I need my sense of security to come from outside, I’m presenting a bundle of worry and fear, not my best self who knows she’s pretty awesome and appreciates, but doesn’t need, reassurance from others. My best self who knows, for example, that if I’m not offered a job, it’s not because I wasn’t good enough, but that someone else was better suited in some way. And that doesn’t take anything away from me and the things I am and have and can do, so why should it feel like I’m somehow less than I was before?

So, it’s time to refocus on mindfulness and presence in the moment, to express gratitude for my abilities and my capacity for growth, and to remember that my thoughts shape my actions and I want both to be full of love, hope, and faith in myself and others. The beautiful thing about steering myself back onto this path is that it’s becoming more familiar each time I realize I’ve started to stray – it takes less time, less effort, to find my way when I’m not dragging myself out of the deep bracken of perceived failure. Hey, look at that – I’ve already started. :)