Workin’ it.

I’m a pretty motivated person about many things, but sometimes I get lazy. I’ve been lazy about going to al-anon meetings and dedicating the time I need to every day to my program. My sponsor and I spent several hours together today, and part of our conversation was about how oftentimes we fear success as much as we fear failure. I think that’s part of my laziness around this. I’m afraid of what success will look like. I’m afraid of losing things I want in my life but know that it’s not really a loss if those things are familiar but unhealthy. I’m afraid of walking a new and unknown path, one that will need constant vigilance on my part to remain clear and unobstructed.

I want to want this. I want to give myself over to it and power through the growing pains. I want to have a new kind of strength – the kind that effects change for my personal well-being rather than the kind that holds the world on my shoulders and is a damned martyr about it. I have some ways of being, but more importantly some ways of thinking, that need reform. And that isn’t going to happen simply by force of will. I need to put these things in practice, the daily readings, the silent meditation, the review of my writings and inventory, and not allow myself to be baited or distracted by people who would like to see me and my relationships fail.

I am ready for a life full of love and happiness and fun and serenity, and without drama and hurt and emotional exhaustion.

Here’s to a beautiful tomorrow. I hope yours is as lovely as mine will be.