Small.

Sometimes, especially right after I have had to be big and strong and sturdy and stuff… I feel so small. Like a little bit that needs gathering up and petting. Like I used up every bit of grownup I have, and I just need to be small k for a minute.

I can’t let Joshua see this. I can’t let work see this. I won’t let most anyone see this, most of the time, though those of you who know me well know it’s a part of me, even if you’ve never seen it for yourself.

Sometimes I want my big person to scoop me up and hold me tight, wipe my tears with rough hands, press my head to their chest and rock me while they tell me stories of things that have nothing to do with anything.

And then I realize that no one is gonna do that tonight, so I have to do it for myself. I look in the mirror and say hey you, yeah, the one with the long face, what’s gonna fix it? And I toddle off to pull on my amazing new legwarmers and cozy up to my cats and dive back into my Ya fantasy novel. It’s not a perfect solution, but it’s a bit of comfort I can give myself. And I deserve it, dammit.

Gratitude.

Tomorrow is Friday.

The long weekend.

Plans for ridiculously fun wii games with friends tomorrow night. + vodka.

These legwarmers. They really are kickass, y’all.

ETA: the fact that I can count. That was only four, stupidhead. So I am also grateful for Lilo and Stitch. There.

Spring.

It feels like Spring today. There’s a sharpness in the air, the sun feels a bit closer to the earth, small birds hop through the branches of the still-bare bushes along my street. I’m drawn instinctively to the ocean, I want to drive along the coast, to walk around Mackworth Island, to climb the rocks at Fort Williams. Mostly, though, I want – I need – to sit. To deeply breathe in the ocean air that reminds me that breathing feels good, to close my eyes and feel the warmth of the sun in between sea breezes, to let the sound of the water’s constant motion soothe my soul.

I’ve gotten off track lately, been adrift and lost-feeling. I need to anchor myself, to refocus on the work I set forth for myself at the start of the year. I know I’m not out of the woods yet, with regard to Winter or the things that I allow to shift me off-balance. But one Spring day in the middle of February, and one gentle reminder to myself, help me see the goals I’d lost sight of for a while there. They may not be any closer than they were last week or the week before, but they’re no further away, either, and by bringing them back to the front of my mind, the path is once again under my baby-steppin’ feet.