Gender identity.

Oh hey, by the way – I’m a Femme. This is likely obvious due to the name of my domain. However, that doesn’t mean much to some folks. And that’s okay! Know what I love? Educating people who love to learn. Since most of the people who read this are queer or queer-because-they-love-us-queers, you probably have an idea of what Femme is or means to a Femme in your life, be it me or someone else. Except, maybe you don’t. Have you ever asked a Femme what it means to her to identify as Femme? Have you ever thought about what Femme gender is and isn’t? Have you felt like you wanna know more but didn’t think it was okay to ask?

The floor, my loves, is open. I officially (for what it’s worth) deem this coming weekend “Femme Identity Education Weekend.” You have questions, I have some answers. I also know a ton of Femmes whose answers will vary wildly from my own. Let’s talk about Femme. And let’s watch a little something that gives us a place to start.

Sh*t People Say to Femmes

Chances are, you’ve seen one or ten or seventy-two of the “sh*t people say to” videos. Me too. And this one is about on par with the rest – some of it resonates, some of it makes me roll my eyes, and some of it doesn’t relate to my experience at all. But it all relates to someone’s experience of Femme.

Tell me about your experience as a Femme. As someone who has dated a Femme. As someone who is friends with Femmes. As someone who has fucked a Femme. As someone who has been fucked by a Femme. As someone who has no fucking idea what the big fucking deal is about Femme.

It is all welcome, and will all be respected, and responded to with kindness, consideration, and love.

I wanna know what Femme means to you. And in comments, and in a wrap-up post this weekend, I will talk about what Femme means to me. Besides, you know, everything.


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11 Responses to “Gender identity.”


  • Comment from kait roe

    I happily embrace the femmes in my life. I am so grateful for being included in the fb notes. I look forward to the weekend of femme info…

    • Comment from Kirsten

      Let’s hope others are also not only looking forward to it, but active contributors – I am excited about this “I didn’t see it coming but wanna make a BIG FREAKING DEAL ABOUT IT” weekend :)

  • Comment from Jan

    I just said to the lady: femme is intentional performance of femininity that makes me feel powerful.

    The lady replied: “yum.”

  • Comment from MissMelissa

    So rather than talk about what femme means or is to me (too much and I’m not even sure how to start!) I want to talk about femme invisibility because it is the most commonly discussed aspect of femme identity, and while i think it’s important to discuss, I am finding it problematic that we stop there. When Femme invisibility is discussed we are often accidentally assuming that femmes are cis-gendered females, thereby adding to the invisibility of our femme brothers and sisters for whom this is not the case. Additionally, I think that as long as we are stuck talking about how invisibility hurts us, we are ignoring that 1) when we are invisible as femmes we are being handed privilege 2) when we do not out ourselves as either femmes or queers (depending on who the invisibility falls- is it as queers? As femme trans gay men? Is it as femme tops? etc) when it is safe to out ourselves as femmes, we are accepting our privilege without critique. I think it’s Audre Lorde who said that the unexamined privilege is dangerous. When we have privilege it is our responsibility to use it to educate and inform those around us…. I’m interested in what people think about that/ how they do that/ how that feels as part of being a femme who passes for something other than femme… thoughts?

    • Comment from Kirsten

      I think one of the hardest things for me is acknowledging that just because I loathe the reason I have privilege, doesn’t mean I don’t still have it. I really struggle with those people who are read as not-queer and use their privilege – not to stay safe themselves or prevent harm to others, but to advance themselves. Actually, I really struggle with not punching them in the throat, and I’m not a violent person.

      • Comment from Gretchen

        In my experience (limited as it is) plenty of the internal fighting, distrust, and division I see between queers of various identities, whether they be FTM and butches, or butches and femmes, or trannies and cisgendered peeps, is the defensiveness we all (as groups) have around our various privileges. If we could all start at the place of acknowledging those, and not trying to refute or compare experiences of privilege and oppression, we’d be better able to connect over our commonalities and our differences. Maybe that is too idealistic but, in truth, it really isn’t that hard to acknowledge some of these things (like that , for me, being butch/genderqueer means I rarely have to think about how to come out to people and I rarely have my queerness questioned or challenged).

        • Comment from MissMelissa

          I just want to “like” this… oh Facebook, you’ve ruined my communication skills… But I totally agree. I strive to acknowledge my privilege and sometimes it is really fucking hard because i also want my difficulties to be understood and appreciated… but harping on those serves no one…

  • Comment from Colin

    I played the video for my sweetheart, who ids as femme, but is not always seen that way because either 1) they think we are a straight couple and honestly in the place we live sometimes that’s okay for safety reasons. 2) Because of my height people think (usually) she’s my mom which is just ew. Some of the stuff she nodded her head and some was funny and some was just wrong, either said to fill space or to get some sort of reaction out of the viewership or something. (In her and my opinion)
    To me, a femme can be anything they damn well please, hell they can be butcher than me for all I care. If you tell me you are femme, I’m definitely going to respect that and 9 times out of 10, be attracted to it, on some level. Before my sweetheart’s disabilities started attacking her body, she could fish and shoot better than I could on a good day. And it’s not always (just) her into the Hello Kitty thing. I *like* Hello Kitty and I’m a fucking proud ass brony and not hyper fucking masculine myself.

  • Comment from Sailor

    For me, quickly, my butch identity is how I perceive my gender, and how I express it; my sexuality, what I am attracted to and the heart of my sexual activity; my social/political beliefs–of which I’d be happy to expand on, but I suspect *you* can guess fairly accurately. And, wow…I seriously confuse myself thinking about it all…

  • Comment from Sailor

    I wanna hear about the pretty femmes, though. :)


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