Protected: Conflicted

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Protected posts.

While I am all about putting myself out there for all of you in most ways, some of my writing is either half-formed or I’m a little too shy to share it yet or it’s not for everyone, so I will password protect those posts. If you’re burning to read them, feel free to email me at kirsten@femmeflavor.com and request the password. I will probably say yes… But if I say no, I promise to explain why and let you know if I change my mind down the road.

Protected: Boxes

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Retroactive letting go.

Last night, I stumbled upon something that caused me a mix of several unsavory emotions. I immediately went to a place of fear and shut myself off to the future, based on this small bit of data about which I know very little. I reached out to a support with my immediate, heated, hurting reaction, and tried to put it away and put myself to sleep.

It was still very much present in my mind this morning, but I felt better able to contemplate possible alternatives to the doom-and-gloom that had jumped into my head in the wee hours when I am already most vulnerable. I spent a little time in a private journal and realized that I was reacting from the mindset I was in last month, a place in which I was aware that I had expectations and, to some degree, aware that they were not being met. I still have some feelings to work through, I will still want to talk about it if a time comes when it’s appropriate, but in the meantime, I’m going to focus on letting go of the expectations I had last week, and last month, and the month before as I’m confronted with them. New expectations are not the only ones that can cause future disappointment, and I’d much rather catch them and recognize them for what they are – setups for future pitfalls.

And how silly is it that we do that to ourselves? I mean, not that it’d be better for us to do to anyone else, either, but really? Past Kirsten really had it in for me, and she’s not even around anymore to giggle as I stumble into her (many) little traps. What a bitch.

…If it *is* a good morning… Which I doubt.

I am having a serious Eeyore moment, so y’all are just gonna have to bear with me. Or stop reading here. I personally wouldn’t blame you.

I won’t speak for human beings in general, but I know that for me, there comes a point during any ongoing thing I do that is good for me at which I begin having internal temper tantrums. I stop believing in the benefit, I question my motives, or maybe I just don’t wanna. I can always justify “slipping,” but I also beat myself up for it much harder and for far longer afterward.  So, when I read this quote earlier, I decided it applies not only to my writing, but to other things in life that will only come to fruition if I stay the course, no matter how hard or painful or just plain dumb it is. Pfft.

“The art of writing is the art of applying the seat of the pants to the seat of the chair.” — Mary Heaton Vorse

So, here I am on a night when I really didn’t feel like addressing any of what I’m thinking or feeling, applying the seat of my pants to my yoga ball and writing, because I promised myself I would do it every day, and the only way I’ll get anything written is to, ya know, write.

I had a busy and fabulous weekend, so I still have not really sat down and applied myself to the writing club resources. I think I’m going to set a half-hour timer once a night, and then in the mornings and at night when I finally get my sleep schedule on track, and dedicate that to researching leads.

Today’s lead: Actually came up last night, and I’m pretty excited about it – my friend Luz turned me on to The Hairpin, a women-run general interest blog that welcomes submissions. I am looking forward to perusing the site to see what I might be able to contribute.

Today’s home office prep step: I’d switched over to the PC last week, and Joshua downloaded the game and programs he wanted, but then Melissa and I wanted to watch a movie, which required the Mac. So, Joshua was tasked with finding the missing magic flippie button thingie for the Belkin flip so we could have both hooked up to one set of peripherals and use whichever we wanted. Stuff I do in my browser, things that sync across all my devices, bookmarks I can import, etc., make it so most of the time it doesn’t matter which computer I’m on, but if I realize there’s a doc I need while I’m in the middle of something, I can flip over and email it to myself, which is far more convenient than saving everything, switching over, and reopening.

Today’s brainstorm: Um, hmm. Yeah, not such an inspired day. Better luck tomorrow?

ETA: I was ready to publish at 11:58pm, but my wireless connection decided to take a lil break, so I am late. While I could change the publishing time on the post, that would be caving to my perfectionism, wouldn’t it? So, HA! At least I won one tiny battle today.