First, let me state that I meant to lay down for about an hour after work because I was exhausted from the stress of the day and the release of some anxiety I’ve been carrying and the lack of sleep over the last several nights.
Three hours later, I came to.
So I’m feeling quite awake and productive, have done dishes and made soup and written a draft of a blog post for after this miniseries, and am really glad I’ve only one more workday to get through before I can try to tweak my sleep schedule back gradually rather than wrenching myself out of bed mornings and taking obscene naps.
So, second up on the list: Resentment. I feel like this is something I allow to color my interactions with people in stealth mode most of the time, but when I recognize it, it overwhelms any positive feelings I have for the person. Resentment I have toward people who are no longer a part of my life may not seem important to let go of, but I think it contributes to the way future relationships can trigger us, and I don’t want to let people from my past influence my ability to be fully present with individuals in my here and now. Resentment toward people with whom I still interact, regardless of frequency, is nothing short of poison, and while it may be justifiable, there is nothing productive or helpful about it. Resentment doesn’t help me establish and maintain boundaries; love for myself does. Resentment doesn’t help me see patterns and change them; mindfulness and a desire for healthy relationships does. Resentment doesn’t allow me to grow, it roots me firmly in the past where the transgressions against me occurred.
2012 is going to be a year of acting on the information I’ve either discovered or allowed myself to bring into the light in the second half of 2011. It is going to be a year of transition from reacting to life to purposeful living. It is going to be a year of new starts and changing old ways and choosing love, for others and for me. I am pretty excited about all of that.